An Event That Made Me Stop & Think - 6th November 2015

I started this blog because of my love for fashion and baking and hoped to keep it updated regularly but then the event that happened on the 6th November turned my life upside down. In November 2013 I got told my brother, Rory, was diagnosed with anorexia. At that age I didn't really understand how bad it could be and thought everything was going to get better very quickly but I was wrong. Things didn't go smoothly or quickly, in fact it was the start of the most difficult time I could've imagined. We were unware that he was struggling for the past year and that he was restricting his food intake drastically at university. Rory was admitted to hospital in January 2014. Things didn't exactly get any better and he was later put in to Priory hospital in an eating disorders unit where he was given the special treatment that was needed. From then on it was a bit of a rollercoaster, with the ups and downs of him getting better and then going back to square 1. He was also suffering from a secondary mental illness called schizo-affected disorder. Nurses had to stay outside his room at all times to stop him from doing anything bad and even had to stay in the room with him beside his bed when things got too dangerous and risky. It was extremely difficult seeing him not himself - he was more quiet and rarely laughed or smiled unlike what he was like before. I remember when he looked after me sometimes and we played games and laughed so hard that at one point we both fell off the sofas! We also used to write little funny notes to each other and he would teach my and the rest of my family about the stars as we looked through his telescope in the garden at the twinkling sky (as he studied astrophysics and was extremely bright)! I felt I needed to stay strong for my family so I didn't like to cy in front of everyone too much and I only did it in my room or if no one was around. Hoping to get him better he was given 20 sessions of ECT - which meant him being anaesthetised and then an electric current being passed through his brain. This made him very forgetful and he ordered father's day presents multiple times because he couldn't remember whether or not he'd done it. The ECT also made him forget that he passed his degree and wouldn't believe us when we said he passed it. When things started to get a bit better he was allowed to come home for long weekends and later on he was allowed to come home for good, with a few visits from the nurses checking to see how things were going. Just when we thought Rory was back to more or less himself, the tragic event happened on the 6th November 2015. My Mum had been with him during the day, while I was at school, and when I got back mum had to work so it was just my brother and I watching TV and spending the evening together. I remember going upstairs to try on a few outfits for an occasion that was coming up and snapchatting funny videos to my friends. About an hour or so later Rory went up to his room, I thought I would leave him to it as I assumed he was going to play guitar or something. That night when my mum came home I went downstairs and had a chat about how our days had been. She called for Rory but didn't get an answer so she went upstairs to go see him. I then heard my mum repeatedly calling my name to phone my Nan and Grandad. I rushed up the stairs with the phone in my hand and froze at what was in front of me. My incredible, wonderful, caring brother was on the floor with the colour drained from him. It felt like someone had just stabbed my heart and ripped it out of my chest and I have honestly never felt so much pain in my life. My brother took his own life. I rang the ambulance and waited for what felt like forever for them to show up. Not only did we have drama with my brother but we also had a paramedic pass out from the heat and another fall down our stairs which I then realised that you can find humour in the darkest of times. From this event I have learnt to enjoy life while we can and for those of you who are going through the same type of thing or another family problem - whether you are the person directly involved or a family member supporting a loved one - know that you are not alone. I understand that you might think life won't get any easier but I promise it will. I thought I wasn't going to enjoy life like I used to before and I even felt bad for laughing or smiling at something because one of my brothers was no longer with me but I realised that he would've wanted me and my family to be happy. Of course there are times where I miss him and am overwhelmed with sadness and there isn't a day that goes by where I don't think about him but I know I am loved by so many people and I still have my other amazing brother and sister and life does go on.